Final Year

well it has been over a year since I last post in here. the reason why I make a comeback is no other than that I'm having a writer's block in terms of writing my thesis for my final year project. So, I thought, why not I pay my blog a visit? Along with the surprise visit, I thought, how about I try to crammed myself up with a new post in my blog? so yeah, that explains everything I guess.

Just like any other year, we all have some tough times to go through.

This year, I was hospitalized for having bad mental health. Okay.. it was just a joke! but still please take care of your mental health peeps (says someone who doesn't really have a stable mental health herself). Anyway, I was hospitalized because my physical health decided to go down the hill and luckily it all happened during my semester break so no excuse can be made in terms of saying that it all makes it hard for me to finish my degree HAHA. Biotechnology is killing me. Everything felt extra hard as ever! I cried a lot when I'm preparing for my fyp proposal (100pages of proposal report gais extra tak extra?). Fast forward to 4 months later, I turned out to be somewhat a serial killer for 30 sprague dawley rats for the sake of fyp. This year, I grew apart with a few close friends.

But!

This year I spent so many quality times with my family. I love disturbing my parents on whatsapp saying quite a lot of things like bila yah tak balik, semua nak pergi jalan jalan/bila yah kat rumah takde pun makan makanan favourite yah/abah takde pun nak visit yah kat uni/bla bla bla and I kept on saying those things until my parents takes it seriously that they keeps on asking me what I wanted to do or have whenever I went home. But it was fun because it feels like I'm their favourite child HAHAHAHA... I also love when my only brother do errands for me because I gets to be the boss. And I also love when my brother cooks maggi or frozen foods for me because dia buat lagi sedap. I love to talk girly stuff with angah, having girlish type of activities with angah like lulur badan/waxing time and I love it when I selalu lupa beli tiket bas balik rumah awal awal until tiket bas habis, angah selalu ambil dekat depan pagar college without complain. I love it when kakak makes a surprise visit for me at my uni, belanja me everytime she received her salaries, allowing me to do makeup at her face and always makes family as her priority. I love it when I have those moment when I don't feel like wearing my clothes, I barge into my youngest sister's room just to borrow her clothes and I love to usik her of being slightly bigger than me hahaha. when I'm not with my family, I spent almost the entire year with aisyah. she's always there whenever I was having an emotional breakdown especially when I'm having a problems with running my fyp labwork. She even provides me with lots of chocolate and snacks from Ina Shoppe just to make me feels better and life at campus felt more fun with her, we always did fun things together because we kind of have the same interest. I'm so going to miss her when life at uni ends. I even manage to keep up with my bestfriends Aini, Laila, Mina, Ain, and Nadia through whatsapp and dm. Besides that, I grow closer to Nurin and Yaa. Nurin even became my roommate this semester. I got closer with BSB batchmates. I also manage to gather tons of memories with Genesis people. I got my driving license after I kept on delaying it because I don't feel like attending driving classes (and obviously I had to because my parents paksa). Reconnected with old friends during Raya. Catching up with high school friends. Entered my final year of Degree on September 2018.

There's so many good memories that I can highlight but my main point is that Alhamdulillah the good always outweighs the bad. I learnt of how important it is to be transparent about my mental health in order to be better. I learnt to accept criticism and remind myself not to repeat the same mistakes again. I know how to appreciate people more and get rid of toxic people especially yang selalu point out salah kita without realizing their own mistakes and fitnah kita macam macam and selalu ditch kita for someone else. it might still be early for me to say this but rasanya next year pula kut baru post lagi haha.. anyway, 2018 is just another year of living in my 20's and I'm proud to say that I got over the hard times successfully and I learned a lot about myself.

I hope a lot of you too have a good year. It may be an exhausting year for you, maybe it had really been overwhelming, but you're still here, you made it this far and I believe you will made it in the future too. For those who are still struggling in life, may we all be at peace and be healed, insyaAllah.

Thank you for reading.

I'm okay now.

I've been in a quite emotional breakthrough..I was confused with what I want in life.
I felt lonely, miserable, depressed, you name it, it was all negative stuff that clump together inside me. but now, I'm getting better. I'm healing. those things still hurt me but I believe that soon it will fade away and I'll be free. most people would describe me as optimist but I'm not. I'd probably be the most pessimist person you've ever met. it was hard for me to accept people in my life. I'm afraid of losing so much that I find it hard to accept people in my life. but I'm trying my hardest to heal myself. so, cut the crap and let's move on to another thing that I would want to tell you guys..

so, I got a couple of new friends known as Nurin and Yaa that I knew from the club that we joined. the three of us grown fond of each other since our club's camping trip. both of them were younger than me by a year. since we were quite close to each other, we quite know what's been going on in my life. they both are in a relationships which means that they were already taken. and they were quite suspicious of me cause I never talk about boys or anything like that which in the end, I decided to tell them that I don't have any boyfriend. and they were like "ohh..." and I also reveal that I never had someone special in my life. I've been single the entire time of my life which of course gave them a shock. Nurin even said that she wanted to introduced someone to me which I refused. Then, I told them that it was my choice to be single. I have so many things that I wanted to achieve in my life and I prefer not to waste my time chasing boys. I don't have that mindset of being afraid for being an oldmaid. At least, let me have my Phd before I can get myself someone special. I wanted to achieve so much that I don't want to find a someone special. I wanted to get married of course. But not now, not in 5 years.

the issue is that, most of my friends whom had a boyfriend would always makes it feels like it was pathetic of me of not having a boyfriend. most of them would say things like "oh you're old enough/you must find someone now or else, you won't get married blablabla.." I mean...come on guys! I respect your decision to have a boyfriend. so, at least, please respect my decision to stay single. we all have a different purpose and different goals in life. so don't judge others by what they have chosen. it is mean and rude. I'm already happy as I am. I believe that there's no one would be able to take care of me as much as my parents did. I'm grateful and happy as long as I have my parents with me. So, I don't need anyone else (specifically a boy) to replace my parents position. maybe someday, I'd need that someone in my life but not now. For now, just pray for me so that I can achieve my dreams of getting a Phd.. I just wanted to make my parents happy and proud of me. that's all I ever wanted for now.

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT!

Hello Assalamualaikum and Buenos Diaz Everyone.
so there's quite a lot going on lately.. anyway today (aka yesterday aka tuesday) I was supposed to go to the very last class for spanish for intermediate.. the class started at 8am and it ends at 10am and I was quite excited to go during the night before and I even finished all of the homework that Senor Hector gave us last week..and I even charged my fon the night before so that the alarm would wake me up at 6.30am.. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?? I overslept!! I missed my class..I woke up at legit at 9am!! I didn't even hear my alarm..cause you know why? my phone's battery is DEAD! just WHYYYY??!!! I was like so frustrated cause HEY! I EVEN FINISHED MY HOMEWORK!! AND IT WAS THE VERY LAST CLASS FOR THE FOREIGN LANGUAGE THAT I'M TAKING!! AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST MEMORIES THAT I SHOULD HAVE MADE WITH MY DEAREST FRIENDS AND SENOR HECTOR DURING THAT CLASS. BUT IT ALL DIDN'T HAPPEN.. I SWEAR I WAS SO FRUSTRATED..I was so frustrated that I didn't attend my bioanalytical chemistry class conduct by Dr Natanam.. I can't even think properly today..cause things wasn't supposed to be that way..I am legit so sad right now..

what does it feels like?

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone.
practically, I've been noticing that most of my entry since I started my degree were all  like feelings, emotional kinda stuff...and sometimes, it got to the point where I think that I might needed to stop posting an entry anymore and delete my blog.. but when I think of it deeper, I love my blog..there's so much memories in it..this blog is my life journey..I grew up with it... there's tons of things that I wrote when I didn't have someone to talk to..anyway, today's entry is not going to be me ranting about whether I should stop writing or not..but today, I'm going to talk about "What does it feels like to fall in love?" I mean, the actual feelings..not the teenage love or stuff.. I mean the real one! where you know that he's the one..I mean, hey! don't get me wrong..I'm not gonna get married any time soon.. I was planning to get married when I'm turning 28..that would be the earliest age of me getting married..I'm unofficially 22 right now...so, there's a lot more years to come...but anyway, back to our topic..yeahh..so..what does it feels like? for the 100th times, fyi, I never had a boyfriend so I don't really know how it feels like on having someone (apart from your family) who actually care about you..care about your daily routine and stuff...btw, I wasn't planning on getting myself a boyfriend cuz I think that those boyfriend-girlfriend thingy sucks! don't judge me cuz I'm talking based on what I've observed...yes! I observed most of my friends love-relationship and man! that was not the thing that I'd like to get myself into..their relationship is definitely not the kind of relationship that I would be looking for...sorry to say but it is the most honest opinion of mine.. so that is why I've been wondering how does it feels like to be in relationship and to be in love with someone that you truly love and that you know that he's the one? and that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him? what does it feels like?